“Small Things Often”: The Power of Daily Connection
By Walter Howard - Greenville Counseling Associates
With summer in full swing, we hope you are enjoying all the goodness that comes with the change in seasons: longer and warmer days, kids out of school, and possibly a beach trip or vacation. In the midst of a more relaxed summer schedule, it can be easy to get out of our normal rhythms or schedules, and even though we may potentially have more free time, we may not feel any more connected, as we trade one schedule or routine for another.
In my work with couples and families, I frequently advocate for and remind people of what John and Julie Gottman (seasoned marriage therapists, authors, and founders of The Gottman Method) refer to as, “small things often”. It’s founded on the idea that our emotional connection with one another is much more a product of the small, daily interactions that repeatedly either reinforce or chip away at the internal questions of: “Do you see me? Do you like me? Am I safe with you? Are we friends?” Now what can be confusing some times is that we’re not necessarily aware of how that plays out in our normal interactions. Especially in marriage.
Frequently in my office, couples will affirm that they love each other and are committed to each other and will offer up proof of their love and commitment with an account of the traditional Love Languages type actions they took towards each other. And those things do matter. They matter a lot. But at the same time, if a spouse walks in the door from a long day, and is hoping for connection or support or a moment of friendship, but instead is met by a spouse who has also had a long day, and is just wanting their own version of support or a hand-off of the kids and then personal time, it can be easy to question how supported you feel in the moment. Or if one spouse is trying to get the attention of the other to share something from their day, or a funny animal meme, and if they’re frequently met with either disinterest, or no acknowledgement, it can be easy to feel disconnected or not a priority in the moment.
Now we can think, “I know life is busy, but once life slows down, or once we go on vacation, THEN we’ll have time to reconnect!” And yes, having more time and less distraction can definitely increase the possibility of being more present or attentive with each other, but only if we prioritize and respond more intentionally than we do normally. But even still, unless we plan to live on vacation, we need more accessible habits to build connection. Enter the promise of a Date Night, or a long weekend, which are also good. But Gottman would say, it’s the small, multiple times a day, interactions that are actually much more powerful in building connection. Choosing to put our phones down and building in regular rhythms of sharing our days with each other, not to problem solve or advise necessarily, but to get a sense of what was most impactful to the person we care about. “But there’s no time!” you might say. And sure, there may not be an excess of time. But 15 minutes daily can make all the difference!
The same practices work for relationships with our kids, co-workers, actually pretty much anyone! The same practices work with our kids, co-workers, actually pretty much anyone! In The Connected Parent by Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls, they stress the importance of spending 15 mins a day, joining your kids in what they’re ALREADY doing. The point is not to coach or correct, but to simply be together, look for opportunities to praise or appreciate, and let the positive experience of being together help dilute any potential negative experiences we had previously in the day. This is especially important if you have a kid (or spouse!), affected by ADHD. The positive attention will go a long long way in helping to balance out the general feel of the relationship, for both parties!
So how do we add in regular points or habits of connection that build over the day like an emotional investment? First off, pay attention to how it makes you feel when people respond well to you, with things like eye contact, smiles, engaging questions, and general interest in what’s important to you. Secondly, remind yourself that the small interactions really do matter. If you notice that you’re frequently responding to a spouse or child with, “hold on” or “not right now” or even just grunts or single word answers, then be mindful of how those repeated interactions can stack up throughout a day or evening. (Now disclaimer: I’m not saying that we have to be available 24/7 and can’t have any personal time or space or have to quit our day jobs. If we genuinely can’t respond in the moment, we can still make eye contact, affirm that the other person’s request or need does matter to us, and then give them a best guess of when we can give them the time or attention they’re asking for). Thirdly, think through potentially reliable times when we can prioritize time to connect without it being in conflict with other legitimate needs. Sometimes connecting as a part of a bed time can be great! But sometimes everyone is tired, talked out, and ready to go to bed! But be intentional, try different things, and be gracious with yourself and the person you’re trying to connect with!
Some specifics:
The Gottmans stress that greetings and partings are highly important in setting the tone for the relationship, as they either are our first or residual “taking of the temperature” of how the other person feels about us. So be intentional to express affection regularly as we leave and return to each other. Pro-tip: try not to leave for the day without asking/knowing what the most important thing is on your spouse’s or kid’s agenda for the day.
Borrowing a page from Atomic Habits, the idea of “habit stacking” where you pair a new behavior with a pre-existing behavior, we can look to accomplish two things at once. The dog needs to be walked and we need time to connect equals making a habit of walking together while we share about our day. Going for a 15 min walk may not feel like a date night, but it will be a positive long-term relational investment! Plus the moving of our bodies while being out in nature has additional benefits on our overall well-being.
Be intentional with meals. We all have to eat, so it can be a reliable time to check-in and possibly make it a family practice of sharing our highs and lows from the day. Or sharing something we learned from the day or something we’re proud of. Another pro-tip: meals can be a fantastic time for the adults to model emotional regulation strategies by sharing how they may have felt frustrated or angry or sad during the day and how they worked through it in a positive manner. It models for the kids how we’d like them to respond, while also normalizing that everyone can have difficult moments or hard days.