Understanding, Not Winning
By Kari Buddenberg, LPC — Greenville Counseling Associates
Good conversations build trust, love, and intimacy. They help us feel known, valued, and connected. Yet some topics seem to pull us in the opposite direction, leading to frustration, arrogance, despair, and isolation. The challenge is rarely the topic itself. More often, it is our approach to one another as unique people with different experiences, values, and perspectives. When we expect complete agreement, any difference can feel threatening. But healthy relationships are not built on sameness - they are built on understanding.
Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman found that 69% of conflict in relationships centers on perpetual problems - issues that never fully disappear. Common examples include parenting decisions, financial priorities, work-life balance, household responsibilities, and relationships with extended family. These disagreements often reappear throughout the life of a relationship.
At first glance, this can sound discouraging. If these problems never go away, are we doomed to a lifetime of conflict?
Not at all.
The goal of healthy communication is not to eliminate every disagreement. Rather, it is to learn how to navigate differences with respect, curiosity, and gentleness. This is not the same as "agreeing to disagree" or sweeping problems under the rug. Instead, it means seeking to understand the deeper values, fears, hopes, and experiences that shape another person's perspective.
When conflict arises, start by paying attention to yourself. A helpful tool is the acronym HALT: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? Often used in recovery communities, HALT reminds us that physical and emotional stress can significantly affect our ability to listen, regulate emotions, and engage constructively.
Once the conversation begins, focus on listening rather than preparing your rebuttal. Put away devices and other distractions. Ask thoughtful questions that help you understand the person's experience more deeply. Look beneath the surface issue. What need, value, fear, or longing might be driving their position?
As you listen, summarize what you hear. Rather than simply repeating words, communicate the meaning you believe they are expressing: "What I'm hearing is..." or "It sounds like this matters to you because..." The point here is to get to a place of understanding and the speaker has the right to decide if your summary accurately reflects the intended sentiment. If it doesn’t, try again.
Gottman also warns couples about the "Four Horsemen" that predict relational distress: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When these patterns emerge, they often shift the conversation away from understanding and toward self-protection.
In every meaningful relationship, growth happens when we move beyond the surface and discover the beauty underneath. Like pulling back carpet to reveal the richness of the hardwood below, curiosity and understanding create space for intimacy to deepen. Healthy relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict but by the ability to return to one another, again and again, with openness and care.
Action Steps
This week, choose one conversation and practice:
Checking HALT before engaging
Removing distractions and giving your full attention
Asking at least two curious follow-up questions
Summarizing what you heard before sharing your own perspective
Looking for understanding rather than agreement
Reflection
Consider the following questions:
Which of my recurring conflicts might be a perpetual issue rather than a solvable problem?
How do I typically respond when someone disagrees with me?
Which of the Four Horsemen am I most likely to use under stress?
What would it look like to prioritize understanding over winning in my next difficult conversation?
Resources for Deeper Learning: